The Suicide Note without Suicide.

 

In the wake of suicides taking place all-round the country, this is what a student wrote to his parents.

Parents never demand anything for themselves. All their demands circle around our well-being. Right from our birth, our every progress draws them closer to their only wish – we grow to become a successful person. The day we walked without support, the day we spoke our first words, the first day of our school life, the day we were awarded on stage, the day we looked adorable in a fancy dress competition, the day we wore our graduation caps and the day we got our job letter are among the few simple milestones they seek for, towards the fulfillment of their only dream – us. Where Mummy works hard at home to make our trivial dreams possible, Papa toils at the office to make our future possible. I have always found, “Papa kehte hai bara naam karega, beta hamaara aisa kaam karega” a great jingle to hum but in the silence of the night when I just say out these words in a monotonous tone, I feel low about not fulfilling any of his dreams. Neither have I excelled in studies, nor have I contributed towards his business. I have procrastinated hoping to focus again, but in the interim, I have only wasted my time. I have never considered academics as a basis of judgement and thus when I speak about failure, it does not mean academically. I have failed. I was of the opinion that teenage life is the time to enjoy life but as soon as I turned twenty and looked back, I only saw wreckage. I have not made anyone proud given that parents always believe their child to be their pride. It was that simple and still I failed. Suicide is the only option I have now. I cannot hurt you everyday. I hoped to be your pride, but I cannot live while being your shame. I know you are reading this with teary eyes and I might already be gone while you do so, but always remember that I love you. But I realize my death will not solve things for you. I know that this is the note you will now hate, but it will be the same piece of paper you will cry on, every time you would like to hear from me. Suicide does not end the pain. It transfers it to someone else. I do not want to transfer this pain onto you. Having brought so much troubles, this is the last thing I would like to do. Though, you will not wait for this note to end but I know that once it does, you will either slap me out of love for putting you through the test of losing your child or you will hug me thinking that your child has come back. Indeed, your child has. It is like taking birth again. Teach me how to walk for I keep falling. Teach me how to speak for I forgot how to tell you my problems. Teach me in the same patient manner because I want to start over. I want to bring pride to you through simple milestones before life gets complex again. I will not surrender before hardships. I will not give up in hard times. I still wrote this note to tell you that I have died on the inside – the part of me that has already committed suicide and that is the part you need to give birth to, again. But, I will not go. I know you do not like when I do not come back home on time. I will not go.

-Darsheel

“Maa ne khat mei kya likha tha, jiye tu jug jug yeh kaha tha
Chaar pal bhi jee na paaya tu…
Sunn le yaaro ki yeh baatein, beetengi sab gham ki raatein
Uth jaa saale, yu sataata hai kyu?” 

Please, say no to suicides.

Thank you Ma’am

The syndicates breathe a sigh of relief,
Drumrolls all around, air turned green,
Rain came over to cry on our hopes,
Black money funded ornaments found a new sheen.

“We are not being given equal rights,”
the people in Northern Bengal had complained.
With rubble of the broken bridge,
hundreds of fingers were grained.

“If Tata had setup their factory here,”
An aspiring entrepreneur wondered.
Slogans of “Hokkolorob” on streets,
Against the evils of the system, the students had thundered.

A girl had demanded justice in vain,
“Sajano Ghotna”, such was the tag.
The human debts had piled above the financial lows,
As the ministers in their paras continued to rag.

A tainted state made to look serene,
until the veil was removed to reveal the Sharada Scam.
Look at our map, it has been darted time and again.
For giving us a gleeful Waste Bengal, thank you ma’am. 

If this catches your eye, I’ll be put behind bars,
I’ll be labelled either a Maoist or BJP activist.
But I’m more worried than fearless,
Because an already choked Bengal may have to slit its wrist.

Is our mind without fear or can the head be held high?
Bengal is far from awake, do not make it blind.
We deserve a vision, we deserve to be led forward.
Undo. Unravel. Unwind.

Chaos.

Chaos means total confusion or lack of order. A lot of people believe that chaos is a negative state and why not? Orderly work is something organisations will always strive for. But I refuse to believe that chaos is as bad. You cannot be chaotic unless you have more than a thing to work on, or say, much more to take care of. You can either be good or bad when you have a unit work to complete. You can be better or worse as you continue doing it. But you cannot be the best without knowing all its facets. The gap between ‘good’ and ‘better’ is lesser than the gap between ‘better’ and ‘best’. What makes that gap bigger is chaos. Strangely, it is the same thing which bridges that gap. You cannot be the best, without knowing the wrongs. Best comes to those who strive to bring order and not to the ones who seek to inherit it.

chaosMan

Take the joker out from the pack and give him a ball to juggle. Aced it. Give him another. Nailed it. But only when he will try to outperform himself by juggling another two, will the audience be entertained. He’ll miss his rhythm at times. One ball falls and all the others fall off. There is where the chaos is. He’ll never know what chaos is, if he does not try to outperform himself. He’ll never know if he ever had a chance of juggling four balls at once, if he does not venture into the chaos. People will remember the elephants with hoopla more than him but that is taking the analogy too far. This makes chaos so important, but why is it special? Because when this joker will be chaotic and will not be able to juggle properly, audience will laugh a little harder that day. That is why they had come to the circus. Sanity will need to remind insanity that it is his efforts, and not his failure, that has made people laugh.

Can greatness be found without chaos? In my knowledge, Indian Premier League can be credited to be the greatest global event India has ever hosted and tell me if it has ever been free of chaos? It has showed an undying spirit to provide a two-month long entertainment since nine years now. If that spirit got shut down in one of the folders of the Mudgal Committee Report or would have got dry alongside the crisis in Maharashtra, there would have been no chaos at all.

I am not a rebel. Rebels like chaos in continuum. I see chaos as an impetus. You will never try to fix it, until it is broken. Chaos is what drives you to fix things before they break. Once they break, it is called a mistake. I am not committing to mistakes, though they make you learn so much. I am committing to risk of making them and then somehow managing to bail yourself out. Much like Bollywood? Yes! A thriller.

At this juncture, I only see gullible people agreeing with me about chaos. The wise will still be trying to make sense out of all this saying, “Why do we need to break the order, when everything is going perfect?” If you’re one of those wise people, you are someone who likes to believe in saturation before it actually happens. Another argument could be that I am not as wise to believe that one’s potential has any bounds. Some infinities are bigger than other infinities, i.e, if you believe the cons of chaos to be infinite. Our limitless potential to progress will always outdo the unending arguments against chaos.

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A Jigsaw

It was chaos which gave us the single greatest thing we know of: The Universe. It is just another game. You see it as a maze which one cannot get out of. I see it as a jigsaw; too many to place but trials will make you turn the right pieces at the right ends. Chaos will take you to the right end. Play it to believe it. Sanity will need to remind insanity though.

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